Do they make salt licks for humans?

We ladies are no strangers to cravings. Our lovely little friend, PMT (Australia’s much gentler form of PMS — don’t we all prefer to have “tension” rather than a “syndrome?”) makes damn sure of that. Some have it bad, some have it mild, and I assume a lucky few don’t crave at all. I wouldn’t know — I hate those bitches.

Up until, oh, yesterday, cravings to me were imaginary and mostly controllable. I’d think “OOOOO, CHOCOLATE!” but would at least able to finish the email I was working on before seeking some out. But yesterday, something changed.

See, I never crave salt. I don’t even like salt. Sure, salty stuff is good occasionally, and I am pretty addicted to peanut butter, but a craving for salt is beyond me. Chocolate, yes. Meat, yes. Nutella and peanut butter off a spoon, YES. But salt? No way. Then things changed.

Yesterday at work, I needed to run an errand and thought maybe I’d get some fro-yo as a treat on the way back. But no — fro-yo didn’t quite hit the mark. I racked my brain to figure out what I really wanted and came up with…

FRENCH FRIES!

French fries, golden brown and tasty, crispy outside and soft inside and oily and YUM. Or…wait… tater tots! Scrumptious little packages of crispy steamy salty goodness!

I started scheming. They sell french fries at the cafeteria across from my errand destination! I could stop there on the way back! But in a cruel twist of fate, I was thwarted — the cafeteria was closed!

I wanted fries so badly I thought I would cry. What to do? WHAT TO DO?

My brain starting whirling. “Ok. I can stop and buy a potato and make some homemade fries when I get home. That would be healthy, right? I know! I’ll get a bag of frozen tater tots at the Safeway across from the yarn store I’m going to later. And then I’ll go home and make them! Should I wait for Aussie? No, I need them now!!! I can make him more when he gets home. But wait! Maybe I could just go to Jack-in-the Box BEFORE I go to the yarn store! YUM! But no! Then my hands would be greasy and I can’t touch the yarn with greasy hands! I suppose I could go to the yarn…

“BURGERS!!!! BURGERS WITH MY FRIES!!!  That sounds so… MILKSHAKE! BURGERS AND FRIES AND A MILKSHAKE!!!! OHMYGODOHMYGOD!!!!!”

And like a crazed insane person, I told Aussie that our previously dinner plans just simply had to be cancelled, because I had to have a burger and fries and a milkshake STAT in order to survive. DID HE UNDERSTAND THE SERIOUSNESS OF THE SITUATION???? Luckily, he’s a smart Aussie and knows that much “tension” (ha ha) can be avoiding by indulging me at strategic times of the month — oh heck, or always! — so off to the burger joint we went.

My friends, at the moment the first salty, greasy, hot, and tasty fry went in my mouth, I truly was as happy at that bird and (literally) moaned with contentment. Bliss. Greasy, salty, crispy bliss. My craving was satisfied…until this morning of course, when at the coffee shop, I spied some peanuts… oo, salt… WAIT! FRENCH FRIES!!!!

So, um, guess who is going to have a side of fries with that Lean Cuisine she brought for lunch?

Me, my friends. ME.

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6 thoughts on “Do they make salt licks for humans?

  1. Kristi says:

    This made me want to vomit a little bit. I’m just sayin…

  2. Soo says:

    It’s nice to read someone referring the fried potato bits as “french fries” instead of chips. By the way, you are one strange woman, and I happen to love you so much. Mwah!

    • Jenni says:

      I know — chips have an entirely different meaning. And what’s a crisp if not some light fat-free kind of cracker or something?

      Ha ha — love you too!

  3. bigumuse says:

    I totally crave meat before the commies invade. I don’t even really LIKE meat.

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